Pride and Joy
by adorablepancreas
Summary: Emily and her mom have a long overdue discussion. Takes place after episode 1.17, "The New Normal". One-shot.


**Just a quick one-shot. This is my first fan-fiction, so be nice, but honest. R&R please! **** I own nothing, these characters belong to ABC Family. **

"Emily…" Pam began, with a hint of love and desperation in her eyes. Emily could have sworn she saw a glimmer of surrender in there, too.

"I still don't understand…but I _love _you! You are my child and…nobody hurts my child." Pam paused, her heart aching for the pain Emily must have felt thanks to Nick McCullers. "I'm so sorry…if I…"

Emily saw the hurt in her mom's eyes and couldn't help but pull her into a giant hug. She let out a sigh as Pam silently cried, resolving to try harder to be supportive of her daughter.

Emily pulled away to look at her mother. "Let's talk when I get home. I need to help you understand. Please?"

"Yeah," Pam smiled, sniffling and trying to regain her composure. "I would like that."

As Emily parked her car in front of her house, she began to feel nervous about how this conversation was going to go. After seeing her mother stand up for her at school today, she knew that Pam had made some progress and was starting to come around to the idea of her daughter being gay; but she knew that her mom was still vastly uncomfortable with it.

Emily slowly walked up the path to her front door, going over in her mind all the answers to the questions her mom would undoubtedly have for her. _How long have you known? When did you first start feeling this way? How can you be sure?_

Emily had the answers ready, and she hoped beyond hope that her conservative, strict mother could open her heart up enough to understand them. It crossed her mind that they probably should have had this conversation long ago, seeing as how Emily had come out to her parents almost two months ago. She knew, though, that her mom just wasn't ready to have this talk, until now. It took her daughter being bullied by a peer's parent to remind her of the concept of unconditional love.

_At least she's starting to come around, _Emily thought. As she opened the front door and entered the house, she reminded herself to keep a cool temper, even if her mom said some ignorant things. All this fighting had gotten them nowhere, and Emily knew she needed to appeal to her mom from an honest and educational and loving standpoint rather than a heated, argumentative one.

She entered the living room to find Pam sitting on the couch, illuminated by the floor lamp standing by the wall behind her. Emily saw concern in her mom's face, as well as a hint of…what was it?

_Defenselessness,_ Emily realized, a bit shocked. Her mother had always been fiercely strong and confident. She had to be, being a military wife. But now she looked delicate and unguarded. Emily had never seen her mother this vulnerable before.

Mr. and Mrs. Fields had taught their daughter so much in her life, and now Emily had to prepare herself to reverse the roles; to help her mom learn, grow, and understand. It would be emotionally rough, but she was ready.

Pam was lost in thought, and didn't notice anyone had walked in until Emily said, "Hey, Mom." Her mother looked up and her gaze met her daughter's; Emily put on what she hoped was a comforting smile.

"Hi, honey," Pam replied.

Emily walked over and sat down next to her mom on the couch, taking note of the exhaustion on Pam's face, almost intensified by the harsh light from the lamp.

There were a few moments of awkward silence, neither woman knowing how to start the conversation. Emily shivered, though she wasn't cold. She fidgeted, though she wasn't restless. She was nervous, almost as nervous as she was when she first spoke those words to her dad almost two months ago. She had to be the brave one again, just as she had been in her room that day.

"I love you, Mom." It was all she could think of to say in that moment. There was much to be talked about, but Emily felt it was important to say that first. Probably because she needed to hear her mom say it back, again, before she could move on with this conversation.

Pam looked Emily in the eye. "I love you too, sweetie. No matter what." Emily heard the earnestness in her mom's voice; it gave her the strength to be strong. She steeled her resolve.

"Thank you so much for what you did today. I know it was hard for you."

Pam was visibly uncomfortable with the coming conversation, but Emily knew her mother could never be comfortable unless they had it.

"Well, like I said, nobody hurts my child."

Emily nodded and bit her tongue, deciding not to remind her mom just yet that she had caused her more pain than anyone else. She wasn't sure how to begin this long-overdue discussion. She knew loads of things that needed to be said, but she wanted to ease into them. "You still want to talk, right? Not just about today, but about everything? About me?"

"Yes, I do. I-I'm nervous, though, Emily."

"I know. So am I. But I need this. We've needed to talk for awhile." Emily pleaded with her mother.

Pam nodded. "I just don't know where to start."

"Well, I'm…I'm sure you have questions for me. Why don't we start there?" Emily didn't want to just talk at her mom; this had to be a two-sided conversation. She knew that Pam needed to speak, and ask, and figure things out. Emily couldn't just lecture at her. That would get them nowhere.

"Um…well…" Pam started, deciding what to ask first, and finding the courage to ask it. "How long have you known that you're…um…?" Emily actually thought she saw her mother squirm.

"Gay," Emily finished for her. "I'm gay, Mom. You'll have to get used to saying it."

Pam swallowed, audibly. "Right. How long have you known you're…gay?" Yup, that was definitely a squirm.

Emily almost laughed, mostly from the awkwardness her mother was exuding. "Mom, please relax, you're so tense. I know this is hard, but try to be calm. Breathe."

Pam closed her eyes, inhaling deeply, attempting to slow her heartbeat. Not to mention the speed of the butterflies fluttering a mile a minute in her stomach. No, bats. They were bats.

When Pam opened her eyes again, she looked at Emily, waiting for an answer. "I guess I've always known, in a way, but I denied it for a long time. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was somehow different. It was with Maya, a few months ago I guess, that I finally and truly knew. But it feels like longer, because it's always been inside of me."

"But that's so little time, maybe you're wrong. I mean how can you really know? You're so young." Emily's heart sank. She thought her mom had at least accepted that it was true, even if she hadn't accepted it. She had her work cut out for her tonight.

"Mom, I know who I am."

"Yes, but honey, you're sixteen. If you came home and said you'd found the love of your life, the person you were going to marry, do you really think you could be sure of that at sixteen?"

Emily again reminded herself to keep cool. This was just lack of knowledge, and her job was to teach.

"This is completely different. Wait—listen," she said when her mom was about to interject. "I'm not claiming to have found my soul mate. But I know for a fact that, whoever my soul mate is, it will be a woman."

Pam stared at Emily, digesting this. Emily continued, "Did you know beyond a doubt that you were straight when you were my age?"

"Well, yes. I knew much earlier than that. Before I even started dating," Pam conceded.

"And you knew it wasn't a phase, or something that would ever change?"

"Yes, I knew it."

"It's no different for me."

"But being straight is normal, so I never had any reason to be unsure of it."

Emily winced. "I'm normal, Mom. I'm just not your normal."

Pam's eyes widened, realizing how her statement sounded. "I'm sorry, honey, I didn't mean it like that."

Emily nodded, letting the sting of her mom's words fade because she knew it was unintentional. "You never questioned your sexuality, because you knew you liked guys early on. It was what was expected of you, and it also felt right so you never gave it a second thought. I also grew up assuming I would like boys, but my heart started telling me otherwise. I've been dealing with this for a long time. I did a lot of soul-searching and now nothing has ever been this clear to me. I _am_ gay."

"But honey-"

"No, Mom." Emily locked her gaze with Pam's. She grabbed her mom's hand, hoping the contact would help convey her emotion. "I. Am. Gay. I know it like I know my name. This is as much a part of me as the color of my eyes or my skin."

Emily saw a flicker in her mom's eyes, of surrender. Of a shift. Of understanding. "Wow…I-I never thought of it that way." She looked down at her hands intertwined with her daughter's, then back up at Emily.

"This is a part of my identity. It doesn't define me completely, but it's who I am."

Emily allowed her mother a few moments to let this sink in. When it had, Pam said, "I guess…some part of me was still holding onto the hope that there was something confusing you, and making you think you were someone you're not."

"You mean Maya." It wasn't a question.

Pam nodded. "I thought she was putting ideas in your head. Then I found the drugs in her bag, and thought maybe she had gotten you hooked, and that these new experiences were making you think your friendship with her was something more."

"My relationship with Maya was romantic. It had nothing to do with drugs or coercion. We had genuine feelings for each other. It's as simple as that."

"Yeah, I know that now. I think I knew it then, but I didn't want to believe it."

There was a short pause in the discussion; the ticking clock was the only audible sound save for the two women's breathing. Emily broke the silence.

"So you believe it now? You acknowledge it?"

"Yes, I do."

"Then say it. Please, I need you to say it."

Pam was visibly uncomfortable. "Is that necessary?"

"Yes. You have to get used to this."

Pam tried to hide the awkwardness in her voice as she spoke. "Okay...You are gay. I know that you're gay."

Emily let out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding in. Progress. This was definite progress. "Thank you."

"I still don't completely understand though, Emily. I have more questions."

"Please, ask me anything you think will help you wrap your mind around it."

"Well, first I just have to ask, is this a choice?"

"No, it's absolutely not. If I had had the choice in the beginning, I wouldn't have chosen something that would cause me to be discriminated against." Emily paused, wondering if she should say what she was about to say, but found it already spilling it out of her mouth. She needed her mother to know. "But if I had the choice now to go back and change it, I wouldn't. I'm proud of who I am. It's made me stronger."

"How do you know you're gay? I mean I know you are, I'm not denying that," Pam added hastily when Emily's face dawned an expression saying 'haven't we been over this?' "I just want to know how you know. What made you realize it?"

"Oh." Emily took a deep breath, readying herself to bare her soul to her mother. "Well…I guess I've had crushes on girls as far back as I can remember, but I didn't know what it meant. I thought I just admired them, because I wanted to be like them or something. I remember wondering why I didn't feel the same way about boys as my friends did. I knew I was supposed to, so I looked for guys to have crushes on and tried to convince myself to like them. But there was always this nagging voice in the back of my mind saying 'There's something wrong here'. I knew I was different, I just couldn't figure out why. Then, I realized I had feelings for one of my friends. She didn't feel the same way; but I loved her."

Pam waited for Emily to divulge a name, but when she didn't, Pam asked, "Who?"

Emily shifted her position in discomfort and avoided eye contact. "Alison."

Pam's jaw dropped, slightly. "You loved Alison? As more than a friend?"

Emily nodded. "We kissed once, and I thought maybe it could happen again. She pretty much laughed in my face. She said she was straight and the only reason she would be kissing me was practice for the real thing with boys. She broke my heart, but I couldn't stop loving her."

"Wow...so her death was even harder on you than I thought." Pam looked down at Emily's wrist donning the bracelet Alison gave all of her friends, which Emily still wore on a daily basis.

"Yeah. I think I'm still getting over her. I'm almost there, but not quite." Pam saw the solemnity and remnants of pain in her daughter's face, and her heart ached.

"Anyway, I started dating Ben. I tried so hard to like him, I really did. But I couldn't. When he kissed me, I had to stop myself from backing away. It didn't feel right. I felt…empty. Hollow. I wanted to break up with him, but couldn't find a reason that I could tell other people. He seemed perfect: good-looking, sweet, what more could I want? I couldn't risk people asking questions, so I just stayed with him."

"But…you eventually did break up with him."

"Yeah, he finally gave me a reason to." Emily steeled herself to tell her mom what had happened in the locker room. "He started kissing me, and I told him to stop but he was being too persistent. I was scared he was trying to force himself on me. Luckily Toby showed up and shoved him away, and saved me."

"Toby stopped Ben?"

"Mhmm. I told you, he's a good guy. Anyway, I told Ben we were over and walked away. I was horrified Ben had done that, but secretly I was relieved, because I had an excuse to dump him. I was really unhappy in that relationship."

"Wow, honey, I had no idea."

"Yeah. By this point I had already become friends with Maya, and developed feelings for her. Nothing had happened between us yet, but I liked her. The girls and I all went to a party, and I brought Maya along. We found a photo booth and took some pictures."

"The pictures I got in the mail?"

Emily nodded, pushing through the awkwardness. "That was our first kiss."

Pam's jaw clenched, and Emily noticed. "That's when you two started dating?"

"Well, not technically. I sort of freaked out after that and asked Maya to give me some space to figure things out. She agreed, because she cared about me. I started hanging out with Toby and invited him to homecoming. Nothing ever really happened between us, but he was sort of my last ditch effort to like guys."

Pam nodded, willing Emily to continue.

"I didn't know this at the time, but whoever sent you those pictures also sent them to Hanna. She thought I wanted to take Maya to the dance, so she told her to come. When Maya saw me with Toby, she pulled me aside and told me she was giving me space to come to grips with who I am, not to hide it.

"Then there was the misunderstanding with Toby that night, which led to me getting hurt. It really wasn't his fault, though, I swear. He never would've hurt me. Anyway, Hanna came over to visit me while I was recovering and I asked her why she thought I wanted Maya as my date. She told me she had seen the pictures, and asked me why I brought Toby to homecoming. I told her I was pretty sure of what I wanted, but I was afraid of everything changing if I dated Maya. She basically said it would change for the better because I wouldn't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. That really stuck with me. I knew she was right.

"I decided I couldn't deny myself what I wanted anymore, so I asked Maya out on a date. We went to the movies and…didn't really pay attention." Emily felt herself blush furiously. She didn't want to make her mom uncomfortable, but this was an important part of her self-discovery, and she needed her to know. Luckily, Pam caught on to her meaning before she was forced to say it.

"Ah, making out in the back of the movie theater, huh?"

After an awkward pause, both women started laughing, easing the tension. It felt good to laugh together again.

"Yeah, I guess it was kind of cliché. But it was a huge moment for me. That was the night I finally, truly admitted to myself that I was gay. I had pretty much known it before, but I was still holding onto a tiny thread of hope that it wasn't true. My heart had been screaming it at me for awhile, and being with Maya like that forced me to finally give in and stop fighting it." Emily looked into her mother's eyes, holding her gaze, to make sure she really heard her. "The moment I accepted it, it felt like every cell in my body breathed a sigh of relief and said 'Thank you'. For the first time in my life, I truly felt like myself. I'm gay. Completely and without question." Emily stopped, waiting for her mom to gather her thoughts.

"Wow," Pam breathed. "That's incredibly deep." She studied Emily for a minute, and then said, "You look so…serene when you say it—that you're gay, I mean."

Emily smiled. "I love saying it. I've never been more certain of anything in my life; as strange as it sounds, it gives me chills, in the best way possible. Every time I say it, I feel a surge of emotion run through me; a sense of truth. Certainty and pure honesty hits my heart and makes me feel free and alive. I'm finally whole." By now she was grinning from ear to ear, and she couldn't control it.

"God, how'd you get to be so profound?" Pam was smiling now, and Emily was glad to know her mom was at least loosening up a little.

"By coming out and allowing myself to be vulnerable, I've become stronger. Being my authentic self has taught me so much about myself and life in general that I may never have learned otherwise. So when I look at it that way, I'm grateful that I'm gay. I've grown a lot because of it."

Pam took a deep breath and felt like she was really seeing her daughter for the first time.

Emily's heart swelled, knowing instinctively that she was finally getting through to her mother. Pam was still uncomfortable with it, but she had come so far already in just one night. There was hope.

Emily took a shaky breath, readying herself to get to the next part of the conversation. Her voice faltered as she said, "You really hurt me, Mom."

Pam's throat tightened with sorrow and her voice conveyed it. "I know, sweetie. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am."

"Why did you react that way? I expected you to be disappointed, but Dad didn't like it either and he at least supported me. You were…almost hostile."

"Well, I was raised to believe that this is wrong. That homosexuality is a sin. I didn't want you to be immoral, or to go against the values that we raised you with."

"You raised me to follow my heart. That's what I'm doing."

"I know that now, I just couldn't see it before. I also didn't want you to be discriminated against. You're part of a minority, one that is still so ostracized and I didn't want you to have to endure the pain of being rejected. People can be cruel, sweetie. Especially teenagers. I wanted you to be straight, because it's so much easier."

"I know it's easier, and believe me I tried. It's just not possible. You say you don't want me to be hurt by bigoted people, but trying to convince me to be straight didn't protect me from them. It made you one of them."

Emily saw a flash of pain in her mother's eyes.

"It did?" Pam asked. She sounded broken.

Emily nodded solemnly. "You denied who I was. You said I was just experimenting, and implied that I was confused or going through a phase." Emily paused, wondering how to phrase what she was trying to say so that her mother would truly understand.

"I've always been gay, I just didn't know it. When I finally admitted it to myself, I was terrified, but also ecstatic. I mustered up the courage to tell you, and you didn't believe me. You implied that you knew me better than I knew myself; that everything I've been feeling my whole life, and all the time and struggle involved in accepting myself as I am, were silly, just temporary insanity brought on by a bad influence." Emily paused, wincing at her mom's wounded expression. But she continued. She had to get this off her chest.

"You devalued the very core of who I am, Mom. You made me feel like how I fall in love means I'm less worthy of your love. That hurt much worse than a funny look or stupid gay joke at school ever could." Emily made every effort to look her mother in the eye to show her the emotion behind her words.

Pam sat there, speechless. The weight of what her daughter said settled on her heart, threatening to break it.

Emily tried to keep an air of gentleness in her voice to avoid bombarding her mom with guilt. "If you really want my life to be easier, then please, please stop making it harder." Emily's throat constricted and her vision blurred as her eyes filled with tears yet again.

They sat in silence for a few moments. Emily felt like time had been suspended, although she could hear the clock counting the seconds until Pam found her voice.

"Honey, I am so sorry. Look, I still don't like this, and honestly I still wish it weren't true…but I never meant to hurt you. I was shocked, and disappointed, and didn't think about how my actions might be insulting you. I'll never deny it or try to change it again." Pam could feel oceans of tears welling up, and she fought a losing battle to keep them at bay. "I'm so sorry."

Emily saw her mom's agony. She was still angry and hurt by her Pam's lack of support for her, but seeing the genuine remorse in Pam's face softened Emily a little bit. She realized something, and vocalized it to her mother.

"Mom, I know you still aren't comfortable with this, but it's never going away. I needed some time at first too, to accept it as a part of me and to be comfortable in my own skin. It's only fair that I give you some of that time too. You have to promise, though, that you will try to accept me. Commit to educating yourself about what it means to be gay, and really working to understand who I am."

Pam felt a shot of gratitude course through her, as well as a deep amount of respect for her wise, mature daughter. She looked into Emily's eyes and said with conviction, "I know now that I'm the one that needs to change, not you. I promise, honey, I'll do everything I can to understand this. I can't tell you how long it will take, but I will get there."

The dam broke and she could no longer hold in the tears that began to cascade down her cheeks, mirroring those that were falling down her daughter's beautiful face. _My gay daughter_, she thought. _I'll have to get used to that._ "I love you with all my breath, and I'm so, so sorry that I forgot to show you for awhile."

Emily watched Pam cry, something she had seen only a few times in her life. She flung herself on her mother and pulled her into possibly the fiercest hug they had ever shared. "Thank you, Mom. I love you too. And I forgive you."

As Pam held her daughter in her arms, she realized something. While she may not be okay with this just yet, this conversation was the most important one the two of them had ever shared. They learned about each other, and Pam learned about truth. She learned the real value of honesty and what it means to be brave. Pam and her husband thought they had taught Emily these things, but it wasn't until tonight that Pam fully understood them. Her daughter, her gay daughter, was one of the strongest and most honorable people she knew.

Pam finally understood the true meaning of the word pride.


End file.
